Heather Hanson's Diary

You know those quizzes that ask you what movie would portray your life and you are supposed to think back to what movie you have watched and figure out which one would be yours?  Mine would be ‘Bridget Jones’s Diary’.  It fits me to the T except for the excessive drinking, smoking, and swearing.  Not to mention, I also don’t have the bad case of deciding between Hugh Grant and Colin Firth. Yeah, dream on!

I am the biggest dork you can imagine.  I am klutzy, speak whatever comes to my mind before I think it, and always find myself in the most hideous predicaments.   Things always happen to me, like when I have to dress up for something formal, something always happens to where the dress doesn’t fit and I have to wear it, or a tear happens and I don’t know it until the end of the night and by then everyone has seen my butt or what color of underwear I’m wearing.  Or, as in the movie, you are invited to a costume party and you don’t get the call that it is no longer the costume party but just a nice dressy party.  I would be the one dressed up as the Playboy bunny in a room full of nicely dressed normal people.  I even lost my slip at a very nice formal dinner, and by ‘lost’ I mean it slipped down around my ankles in front of everyone at an important table.  I took it quite well though.  I just bend down, picked it up, and waked very calmly into the ladies’ bathroom where I then freaked out in embarrassment.  I then came back out to the table where I was greeted by the words, ‘Don’t worry, it happens to everyone.’  Sorry, but I know for a fact it doesn’t just happen to anyone, just me. I don’t know if this thing is genetic or just my pure luck because it has happened to me all my life.

I don’t smoke, I drink on occasions but its not a ‘get drunk and spend all night with my head in the throne’ type of occasion, but I do know people who that and do worse when they drink.  I don’t understand why people feel that in order for them to have a good time that they need to drink themselves into a vomiting frenzy.  I feel sick after two or three drinks.  The dizziness doesn’t pay off well either on my part.  I do swear but it’s rare and I really go for the gold when I’m mad.  I just don’t feel the need to use a swear word after every other word when I speak.  My brother hasn’t learned to use his filter so he is a prime example of that type of person.  I guess I’m not only a dork but weird, strange, and unusual too.      

Then we cannot forget the all important guy you are interested in.  You know the ones.  The handsome man who likes you but he has a girlfriend or wife who is superficial and rude and whom everyone else calls a big B, but whom he loves and doesn’t realize what she really is.  Or the guy you are dating who is dating someone else who is superficial and rude but he likes them that way making it extremely difficult for regular women who are not like that to get a good man. 

Whenever I watch that movie I always sit there and think, ‘Am I really that klutzy?’ or ‘Am I that much of a dork?’  Then I think back to my predicaments and say, ‘Yup, I am that much of a dork’.  I have kind of learned to deal with it and just accept it that I am a klutzy dork and probably will pass that down to my kids.  Maybe I can look for a job with a description that says, ‘Dork for hire’ or just stand on a corner with a sign that says, ‘Hi, I’m a dork’.  Bridget’s story of course has the happy ending where she gets the good man but we all know that it’s just a story.  Cheers